I’ve been spending time lately looking at my patterns. We all have patterns on how we do things to end up into certain emotional states. For example, there is a pattern of things I do to procrastinate, to feel inspired, and to feel isolated. One particular pattern I’ve noticed in myself lately that I want to share today is my pattern of saying “No” first, before saying “Yes”.

Take the following scenario: a friend invites me to join at a social event. Here are the steps I noticed I go through:


1) I say No first, or I waiver and say I’m not sure if I can make it

Why do I do this? Sometimes, it is because I already have something else that date, which is a good reason. However, sometimes, it is because I don’t want to go or am not excited about it, and am simply too scared to say the truth. This is the part I realize I need to work on, speaking my truth.


2) I focus on what’s not good

I let my inner critic have a voice first. I think about what might not go well, or what might not work out. Perhaps, there will be people there I won’t like. Perhaps, I will be judged. Or perhaps, the food won’t be enjoyable. From this, I realize that my inner critic is like a scared 10 year old boy, and that I have to let it have his say, but then sit him aside and reassure him we’ll be okay. I can do this by poking holes in his reasoning, showing what’s not true or what doesn’t matter  about what he is saying, and focusing on what might actually go well if I move ahead.


3) I forget to check in with myself energetically

Good decisions are not made when I’m not feeling good. I’ve noticed that sometimes I say “No”, procrastinate, or waiver on a decision because I’m not in a good place energetically. I may be depleted, tired, or it could just be a time of day (usually 5-6pm) when my brain is mush and I just want down time. Becoming aware of this helps me ask for time to think about it, check in myself when I’m in a good space energetically, and make the decision from that place. It reminds me to take time to rest, take time to myself, and recharge before making important decisions.


4) I’m not in a good place

I realize that when things aren’t going well in my own life, I tend to hide from social settings. I feel afraid of having an area of my life that isn’t working exposed, and don’t want people digging into me to get information. Friends do genuinely want to see how I’m doing, but sometimes, it isn’t what I feel like talking about. I’ve realized that the solution to this is that I have to practice more self-love for who I am and fully accept where I am. No one will ever understand where I’m at, and only I can give myself credit for what I’m working on and how I’m approaching my life.


5) I figure it out & do it anyways

Once I have made a decision from a place of clarity, certainty, and centre, I am able to figure out how to make it happen. If it is in my heart to do something, I do it. I will talk to people, research, plan, and take action. Usually, my fears of uncertainty don’t materialize, I feel proud of figuring it out, and I end up shaping the experience by setting a positive intention for how I want to make it. With a clear reason why I’m attending and acting on this decision, I show up with energy, excitement, and openness.


Going through the process of looking at how and why I say “No” before I commit to a social event, makes me realize I go through a similar process for all areas of my life. It has been a useful exercise to understand the steps, so that I’m aware of which one I may be stuck in at any given time, and what I need to keep moving forward and take action.


Why do you resist saying “Yes” right away?


Reconnectfully Yours,